Professionally Unprofessional

Oh review week. Time to evaluate my less-familiar professional self. While evaluating year one at my current employer, it got me thinking about my extremely, ah hem, valuable experience thus far. Way back when, I graduated college and put together my resumé. I was trying to milk absolutely *EVERYTHING.

*Babysitter turned into “Professional care taker”, a mere honorable mention to Deans List turned into full blown “Athletic Scholar candidate”, A sabbatical around the world turned into “World Traveler with mission to broaden a unique perspective through cultural immersion”.

It was safe to say that upon graduating I had a lot of catching up to do. After four year’s of fumbling through the work force, each said experience has taught me some significant and crucial life lessons.

Meredith Hurd
Brooklyn, NY

Bartender, Bob’s Bar & Grill, Kailua Bay, Hawaii
Experience: My regulars took excellent care of me, tipping me with Poke lunches, Bonnie Rait albums, $10 bills rolled around joints, even home garden grown veggies and flowers. One of my favorites was Uncle Alvin (NOTE: any male of middle age not related to you is considered an ‘Uncle’ in Hawaii). He was a 93 year-old leathery native with blue eyes. Uncle Alvin arrived every morning at 10am and stayed for the entirety of my shift, everyday, without fail, whilst perpetually drinking, wearing a hat that read “My two favorite Buds” with a picture of a Bud bottle and pot leaf. He said that the key to health was “red wine, ketchup, mustard and mac salad”. Uncle Alvin was a wise man.
Lesson: The day shift at a local dive is not pretty - not even in paradise.

Cleaning Lady, Beach Rental Cleaning, Lanikai, Hawaii
Experience: The cleanliness of my own room served no relevance as to whether or not I was qualified for this job. However, I was pretty desperate when Bob’s Bar was beginning to take its toll and my regulars either decided to get sober or go bi-polar on me. I mean I guess you have to be happy when someone doesn’t feel like a Jaeger bomb every morning. Anyway, my friend Jaclyn and I took up cleaning beach rentals. Looking back I wish I had been the one lounging in Kimora Lee Simmon’s beach bungalow rather than scrubbing her floor, dancing with a mop and huffing Murphy’s oil and bleach.
Lesson: It is better to be famous than a cleaning lady when you are 22.

Babysitter, Kailua Nursery, Kailua Bay, Hawaii
Experience & Lesson: 10 dirty diapers + 10 crying babies = An important form of birth control.

Nanny, The Cash Residence, Melbourne, Australia
Experience: When presenting myself to the Cash family as a responsible guardian for their son Lochie, I experienced flashbacks of me (mere months prior) in my senior year at Sportsway Café singing “Don’t Stop Believing” and dancing so aggressively I had to be dragged home by my friends and thrown into bed fully clothed. However, on the outside I was convincing them that I am not only responsible and caring but above all - I love children, this is only a half truth. Love children? I mean yes, children? Adorable! Children? The future of our world (cue Michael Jackson’s music video “Heal the World”) but actually wanting to be around them 24/7?! Me? Good god no, I might kill one. But there I found myself, reassuring this mother that I was the best fit to care for her only child. So she yelled for Lochie to come meet his new Nanny and in came five year old Lochie stark naked singing “If you want my body and you think im sexy”… oh. My. GOD. . The next day Mrs. Cash asked me to go for a test drive in their car as I would be driving Lochie and doing errands. She said to pretend like she wasn’t even there. I was more nervous than the day I took my drivers license. But I tried my best to calm myself that it didn’t matter that I barely knew my rights and lefts let alone under pressure and it was just a simple adjustment that they drove on the opposite side of the road in Australia. So I got into the car put on my seatbelt, checked the mirrors, adjusted the seat and took a deep breath. Mrs Cash tapped on the window from outside and pointed at Lochie sitting in the grass OUTside of the car as I completely forgot to even put him in the car.
Lesson: Never lie about loving children.

Toaster Girl, Toby’s Estate Coffee, Sydney, Australia
Experience: I wish I could say that I gallivanted off to Australia, became a “barrista”, learned all about sophisticated coffee and used terms like flat white and long black because I’m just really that cultured. But no, instead I was the toaster girl… also I should probably add here that this was not even really a shop per se, this was a… kiosk… in an office building (I’m literally cringing right now). And yes, again, I was the toaster girl. I should also note that it is unclear whether I was fired or that I quit. I am not sure which came first. It happened somewhere in between my gremlin boss (who resembled Shrek quite closely and referred to every customer as “boss, chief or champ”) one day decided to call me fat and retarded because I completely fucked up cutting the baguette and gave a woman peanut butter and jelly rather than “jahhm with buttah” (it’s Jelly, NOT Jam, Ass hole).
Lesson: Again, it was unclear whether I was fired first or quit, but the lesson learned is never to be a toaster girl. Ever, ever again...

Sales Associate, Sunglass Hut, Williamsburg, Virginia
Experience: I hate retail. But you know what I hate even more? Oakley customers and their absurd product knowledge. What do I look like to you? A sales associate that actually knows any information about the actual product being sold? No, you don’t impress me with your photochromic, hydrophobic, plutonite M frame supercalifragalisticachespealedoscious language!
Lesson: I will never associate with anyone that wears Oakley’s. It will just never happen.

Sales Associate, Yumi Kim, New York, NY
Experience: Did I mention I hate retail? Working for an Asian designer (otherwise known as tiny people) when you’re 5’10, you wind up with 100 bazillion dollars worth of silk dresses that barely cover your ass.
Lesson: My ass looks better covered than not. Invest in clothes by Swedish designers.

Waitress, Papacito’s, Brooklyn, NY
Experience: Please reference http://meddymade.blogspot.com/2010/09/el-toro-to-couture-part-ii.html for a recap.
Lesson: Don’t work at really bad taco restaurants.

Waitress, Carino, Brooklyn, NY
Experience: Pretending like I actually know what I'm doing and slaughtering the Spanish language.
Lesson: Don’t work at ridiculously good taco restaurants. It’s doing your thighs no favors. Also – and this is important - learn Spanish.

Intern, Marek & Associates Photography, New York, NY
Experience: So I took an unpaid internship with a photography agency which found me on the UWS frequently delivering the weather report and doing grocery shopping for one of the photographers. Glamorous.
Lesson: Trying to claw into the fashion world with a History degree, and a resume of waitressing, retailing, toastering and nannying is really not very impressive and even far less so when you’re battling with Pratt and FIT students who popped out of the womb rocking McQueen and stilettos and willing to work for nothing.

Casting Assistant, Ernest Represents, New York, NY
Experience: My internship with the photography agency landed me an opportunity with a casting director who needed an assistant for a couture bridal runway show that was being featured on Women’s Entertainment. It’s funny how critical these people are of these young total knock out youthful models. The 10 chosen girls were…well..girls. It’s funny - I thought bridal wear should worn by someone who could legally be wed? Most of these girls walking the runway were…16?
Lesson: I’m 25 now and probably missed my window of looking slamming in a wedding gown. DAMMIT.

*Edits by Jaclyn Little