Friday, June 8, 2012

150 Degree Nightmare

Anyone that knows me knows that I hate and I mean HATE blood, seeing people in pain is just something I cannot do (I am including this in my next pageant speech along with solving world hunger). It is something that makes me violently angry. So Saturday morning I was in for quite the treat when I went to my local YMCA.

It is interesting to observe the small upgrades in a neighborhood trafficked by baby strollers. Overpopulated by three foot tall stumblers, this new community offers enough baby extracurricular activities to start a Univiersity for tots. My casual F bombs are suddenly met by scolding mothers who's ginormous bellies lead me to believe that pregnancy may in fact be contagious. So when my local YMCA said they had a sauna, steam room, swimming pool, Pilates and even offered towels! TOWELS! (whether these are sanitary really doesn't matter, the fact that they are offered and offered in such abundance just.. well, it warms my heart) I knew that not all Y's were created equal in New York City and that children were possibly the key to these upgrades.

While exploring this new YMCA's lavish ammentiies, I came upon the sauna, a very very very strange place. It is a tiny room where total strangers sit together naked or nearly naked to sit and sweat. It's disgusting and therapeutic all at once. I remember the first time I was introduced to this insanity. I was 12 years old on an exchange trip to Japan. We got off the plane, met our host families and then went to a hot spring where we were to sit in pools... naked. I was 12!! Anyway...

So, on this particular Saturday morning I sat and listened to the usual banter about which daycare is best, where you can find the best gluten free, vegan, organic, free range, paleo friendly baby food. The girl sitting next to me walked out. Through the steamed doors I saw her sort of stumble and then SLAM her head onto the ground. I jumped up, "Oh my god! I think that girl just fainted!" I ran out and yes sure enough the girl was incoherent on the ground, head streaming blood. Oh my god... I had no idea what to do, I sort of picked up her limp body and started dragging her out of the doorway into the locker room. All I could say over and over was "Im reaalllllly not the best person for this, Im reaalllly not the best person for this" probably the WORST thing someone can hear when they're at risk.

So in between my gagging from the blood and not knowing what the hell I am supposed to do, and feeling awful leaving an unconscious body alone while I try and find someone to help me. I find the receptionist towel woman and do my best to calmly tell her the situation. After realizing she is just giving me a strange concerned stare and shaking her head, she starts saying something in Spanish and I quickly realize we aren't speaking the same language. So I just start saying the words "MANAGER" and "HELP" interchangeably and pointing at the door. I run back to see if the girl is okay and hoping that maybe someone has stepped in to help her too. When I return the girl has finally come to so I told her what happened, that she was in the sauna and she fainted. She insisted on getting up, that this happens "all the time" and no need to get anyone. I was totally confused she stood up and walked over to the mirror, I said she may just want to sit a few minutes longer. She waved me off saying she was sorry and she was totally fine. So I stood there, I mean what are you supposed to do in these situations?!

Next thing I know the girl slams her head on the mirror falls to the ground AGAIN. Blood... more blood everywhere.. Jesus Christ!! I run over and keep saying "I am realllllllly not good at this" wondering where the fuck is Maria the towel woman receptionist! FINALLY after what feels like an eternity and after asking some women to go and check whether help is coming. Maria returns! THANK GOD! But when I see that Maria is 1. Strolling in with ZERO pep in her step, no urgency! and 2. has in hand no first aid, NO emergency phone, no help!! I. am. PISSED.

What does Maria have? Maria is carrying a stool and a fucking BRIGHT orange cone.... what in god's name are either of those two items going to do in this situation? I sit there staring at her praying this is some sort of eagle scout trick where you give a boy a toothpick and floss and they build a fire and bring a baby bird back to life. Maria sort of pushes me out of the way and starts trying to maneuver a totally incapacitated body onto a thimble of a stool then puts the cone down in the middle of the room! WHAT in gods name is going on here?! I grab Maria's face with my hands, "GO GET YOUR MANAGER!!!" I think we understood each other at this point.

The girl finally comes to AGAIN, blood still gushing from her forehead. I am trying to figure out what the hell to do in these situations?! Thank god for House, Grey's Anatomy, The Babysitter's Club... ANYTHING that I have possibly seen to cue my medicinal instincts. For some reason it takes more than common sense to put a towel on a head wound. Finally, Maria returns once again, and I ask where the manager is, awaiting some caped superhero that can magically bring this girl to life. The manager appears sans cape. I tell her the situation and that the girl is really bleeding and she fainted twice, she may need to go to the hospital? The Manager says "Yeah, we've got it under control, Iv got a Capri Sun here and we've got some string cheese coming so she will be alright"....

What? You have a Capri Sun and string cheese?! I am furious! Isn't there some protocol here? Capri Sun, string cheese, a stool and an orange cone?! Isn't this a health and wellness establishment?! Shouldn't there be some sort of first aid everyone is beyond well versed in?! And where was any help from the women walking by? Aren't most of you mothers?!


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