What is the deal with dudes and ‘day-of’ texts? If you dont know me, or even if you DO know me, you will not make a good impression by trying to arrange a first date via text message. Let’s take that one step further – the Friday night day-of text is the most insulting. It translates.."hey, look. You don’t have anything going on on your Friday night". The night that every 9-5er has been awaiting all week. The night that most people have shit going on. Really - . Im attractive – Im funny – Im [therefore] popular*. What the hell makes you think that I don’t have the next ten Fridays lined up with dates?
*Are all of these things true? Probably not. Do I tell myself they are? Well, certainly.
Im not saying last minute plans aren't ok. They’re ok. Spontaneity? Awesome. But things come up.. yada yada. I get it. Alls im sayin is dont treat me like I dont have shit going on. I do. I have a lot of shit going on. Iv got work. and Steve Carrell left the office and Will Ferrel added an entirely new dynamic. My nails look like shit. Julie Taylor from Friday Night Light's is sleeping with her TA and getting slapped by his fiance. Tasti D Lite is changing their Summer flavors (fucking finally!). Like I said Iv got shit going on. So, please give me at least a four day warning so I can set my non-existant Tivo, re-schedule my manicure and tell Palo at Tasti-D’s that I wont be seeing him this Friday. Is that so much to ask??
And why all the texting anyway? Calling is classy. Call. Its a power move. It says "hey Im not just a living breathing thing that only uses their hands to communicate" as if you were Helen Keller by choice. It radiates with self-confidence and ease. It makes me think you do this all the time, and are therefore popular, which means you are funny and attractive (see above). Really, just call.
Lately I have been plagued by boys who well, Im just not into. I have a hard time trying to define what these boys are - its not that they're ugly. They're attractive in theory. Tall, nice features, one may even call "pretty". I was trying to determine what it is thats turns me off. I decided on a term that encompasses all that annoys me about this rising male epidemic. And my best friend Jackie so bluntly defined it.
Dough Face: One who has a face and/or body that is pale, tender and tinged pink. Often accompanied by early on-set rosacea and muscle tone that looks as though one could kneed the body easily. Puffy lips are often a symptom of being a dough face as is a soft double chin or "waggle" and effeminate hand motions.
Because of the passion I feel about all of the, err, suggestions noted above, I would like to introduce to you my newest blog addition, Meddy Made's Drake Break. Something I like to do (when I am bored, riding the subway, see freestylers on the street, have nothing in particular to write about, want to use a word from the English "ghetto" jargon, feel like embracing my alter ego [that could rival Lil Ma or Nikki Minaj] or envision myself being Lil Wayne's ghost writer dropping it like it is hot) is good old free-style rapping. Please do enjoy my skills as demonstrated below.
Meddy Made's Drake Break
Title: Last Minute Lady
Listen mother fucker I aint no last minute lady.
I got shit to do..
that aint sittin around waitin for you to dig ya balls up out ya pubes. shady.
See, Im a hot ticket. You can't kick it. Hollerin at me last minute?
Ya dough face be yeasty.. got me uneasy. sleezy.
Bitch it's Friday night.
Best believe I got a date tonight wit Friday Night Lights and my tasti d.lite.
ya, ya damn right.
So listen up dough face let's try this again.
Next time you wanna ask me on a date ask me what I'm doin?
Boy, do us all a favor and slap yaself. blind.
you mus be outta yo mind.
Cuz by sheer biological design? I gots to decline.
I don't fuck wit dudes who got skin more supple than mine.
Homeboys be callin me conceited?
I'm 325 degrees preheated.
